Monday, July 23, 2012

Sarah's Toybox

    Have you ever done something and when you thought later you realized that you were blessed for being able to do it?  This past weekend, I spent three hours ministering at a friend's church for the Youth Appreciation Day.  I felt like the richest person for getting to meet young people.  I got to deliver a doll to a girl.  I got to wish a little 5-year old a happy birthday and sing to her.  I got to help another youngster with his necklace.  I truly felt like I was the mom to all the kids. 
   Have you ever found that what began as a painful experience became a blessing?  Thirty-two months ago, I railed at God about how I could not understand how Sarah's death could not harm me and how it could be for my best.  This past weekend, I finally understand a little more about how God can use this for my best. 
      When you bury a child, you are sent on a detour in your life.  At first the detour is so bumpy and painful and you think it will kill you.  As you navigate the detour, you learn to not be scared of the cliffs of grief and you learn to trust God for the next breath.  Sometimes the pain of grief is so great that you wonder how you will take the next breath or the next step.  You cry out to God and say, "I cannot do this anymore!"  Then and only then after you completely surrender do you have the strength to continue. You find that in being completely helpless, you have all the strength you need because God's strength is so much bigger than our own.
      I do not know where this road will lead me and that is okay.  It is like Garth Brooks' song "The Dance."  I am glad I did not know that Sarah's life was only for 3 days.  I would have missed the joy of her birth because I would have been dreading her death. I am glad I did not know the way it all was going to end because I would have been bitter-more than I was.  I like not having all the answers.  I am finding the joy in this journey is I meet parents who are grieving their own children.  I meet children whose lives are full of pain but who I can share hope and joy with because of my own blessings. 
      Oh and I thrive on making the world a better place.  I may not have the answers but I have the passion to make the world a better place for my daughter having been in it.  The kids I meet are someone's child.  God loves them and my heart's cry is to make them aware of His love and how much I love them. 
        I love the kids in Farrell.  I love their passion and their drive.  They face the world that is full of pain and heartbreak and they enrich my life so much. 

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